I Understand...

Subhan Allah, there was this lady I once knew whose heart would burn at the thought of seeing or hearing from her ex-husband. I remember when I would talk to her, I thought it was ridiculous to have such strong feelings against someone... until now, in which I felt it myself.

Not too long ago, my ex-fiance was walking in the mosque that I attend and my heart rushed into "pain" mode. I walked out quickly, and I hoped my face didn't show ugliness.

I saw him again, and this time his face towards me was of disgust, which I understood... since I may have done that last time.

I wanted to break the ice, and just say, "hey look, i'm not mad at you"... I didn't get that chance.

... subhan Allah, I understand that woman, I understand how hard it is. I never knew I could look at someone and feel so much pain, I understand her.

Allah knows I'm doing my best to ease the tension in my heart and to be kind to my muslim brother; however, I am finding difficulty and pain in this. I just want to be with my husband and not be reminded of that hard time I had before... subhan Allah, I talked to my husband about moving, but he won't have it. Ya Allah.

For what it's worth, I understand that woman, and I respect her choice to stay away from her ex-husband, the pain in seeing or hearing from someone that reminds you of a painful time is difficult to handle.

Subhan Allah.

La illaha illah Allah, may Allah forgive me for not giving my ex-fiance his right, every muslim deserves to be treated well. As difficult as it may be to see him, or to hear from him, Allah knows I'm going to do my best.

We live, and subhan Allah we learn so much... we learn so much.

I am a Muslimah, I need to act like it... even though it may be hard to do sometimes.

Inn Allaha rafiqun, wa yuhibul rifq, fil amri kullo... Verily Allah is kind and He loves kindness in all matters.

No Need for this Blog

As-Salamu `alaykum wa Rahmatu Allahi wa Barakatuhu,

I was looking over this blog and I felt it would be best to put in a final post instead of keep it hanging like that, because I have been receiving a few comments here and there and I think it's only fair if anyone is following.

I'm living a life in which my challenge is "am I being grateful enough?" ... subhan Allah, indeed, after difficulty comes relief, and I am living my relief.

No matter how hard you think you've got it, draw close to Allah, and just wait for your approaching victory, because there is no doubt that if you draw close to Him, Allah will be sure to put your heart at ease.

Anyway, I don't plan on posting anymore, I feel it wouldn't be good to.

For those who are reading, you are my brothers and sisters in Islam and I do hope that Allah will bless your life in this world and in the hereafter with ease, happiness, and true tranquility. Amin.

I leave you with this:

Married ~ al-hamdu lillah

al-salamu `alaykum wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu,

I didn't realize people read my posts. In sha' Allah from time to time I'll post something new up.

For now, I feel it is fitting to have some type of an update.

I'm married al-hamdu lillah, Islamically that is. I haven't had the reception yet, but al-hamdu lillah I did get my katb il-kitab done.

It was amazing how it all worked out actually.

From January to April I felt I hit a hard low in my life, but it also was a great high. Although during that time I broke up with my fiance, got in a car accident, hit my eye, got chronic bronchitis, had my car broken into, and had to expell a student in my class, etc. .. I also got closer to Allah, closer to my family, finished reading a great book Don't Be Sad. I was turning to Allah with all my heart sincerely. I then began to focus more on my state of Iman than anything else. I just wanted Allah to forgive me for the trouble I caused my family more than anything else, nothing I did was worse than that. I felt deep regret, and a deep wanting to be close to them, and most of all to Allah. I cried with du`a' on my lips each night. I made sure to pray Tahajjud, I made sure to do all the things I possibly could to draw myself nearer to Allah.

Then, even though I felt life's situations toughening up on me, I learned and memorized more du`a' and then, come April everything switched around. Subhan Allah, imagine I only had to go through 3 months of hardship, and Allah who is the Most Merciful, had Mercy on me and I have never felt such happiness or ease. -smiles- Subhanahu wa bihamdihi, subhan Allahil `adheem.

It's all naseeb, Allah made it easy. This is all by Allah, and He guided my parents to be different this time around, they were so easy on me.

I don't blame the last brother for anything. I mean, khalas, what happened happened, he's a good guy, but it wasn't naseeb. It simply wasn't. Besides, my parents had harsher conditions, and they gave him a hard time. Things happen for a reason, I needed to learn the lessons I did after the break up.

Anyway, as far as the new brother is concerned, barak Allahu fi. I know he's the right one for me, my Iman is rising higher than it ever did. I can feel it increasing, and being firm. This makes me happy.

The last brother is a great brother no doubt, and in sha' Allah he will marry a great sister deserving of him. As for how they compare, they don't. They are both different people, they both have qualities which are uniquely their's. They're both good, but different and uniquely themselves.

al-hamdu lillah, things worked out the way Allah had planned. Allah is al-Kareem, He is al-Rahman, al-Rahim. Al-hamdu lillah `ala kulli hal, wa hasbun Allah wa ni`m al-Wakil.

Great du`a': La illaha illa ant, subhanaka, inni kuntu min al-dhalimin (this is a du`a' that I learned that I had said often)

Truly, after difficulty, comes ease.

wa `alaykum al-salamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu

Bismi Allah al-Rahman al-Rahim,

Just as things begin, they come to an end... al-hamdu lillah.

Allah is the Compassionate... subhan Allah, He is the Compassionate.

I can no longer have this blogspot, it is a place where lies a memory that I need not return to.

My comfort is with Allah, only.

Take care to anyone who reads this, and may Allah guide you, protect you, and forgive you. Amin

wa `alaykum al-salamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu.

Comfort

subhan Allah, I feel like Allah with His Mercy and Hikmah guides us to ways that will bring us to greater humility. I didn't choose to have the family that I have, I didn't choose to live where I live, or be where I am, ... I am just here. There is no point in complaining, there is no point to feel bad, or be resentful towards anything or anyone. I'm trying my best to do the opposite, I want to be thankful (as much as I can possibly be), I want to feel good, and be happy with the things and people that I have been given to accompany me in this life. al-hamdu lillah!

I want to be a better Muslimah, I feel like by the time I die I need to have accomplished something in my life. I need a set of good deeds to show to Allah as a proof that I was seeking His pleasure.

subhan Allah, my heart feels heavy, in pain, but in control. I'm in control ... I'm filling my time with little to spare each day. There are moments in which the control I'm forcing upon myself weakens, but al-hamdu lillah, I'm trying.

I'm getting more done these days,... a lot more done. The only problem is, it's not helping me feel any better. subhan Allah, fish swim, birds fly and humans "feel" and maybe women feel more than men, that's why they can't go to funerals... they just can't control their feelings maybe as much as men can.. Allahu a`lam... I know my heart is sensitive, but I'm trying, trying, trying to control it. That's our reality. There was once a person, once upon a time, that really did care, and that felt amazing.. and I cared too, a lot, about him... but it's like a drifted memory, a passing wind, a thought, a mirage. It was a mirage, subhan Allah, I thought I saw something great, something "real".. and it was nothing, I feel like a fool. I knew there were problems, but I thought everything could be worked out. I knew a punishment was on it's way, and I had predicted it. I just couldn't see how painful the next reality would be, I couldn't grasp how real and hurtful the next days would become, I couldn't handle my own reality. But, this is how we learn, we mess up, to pick up, and learn. We're not Humpty Dumpty, we're Muslims we correct our mistakes with good deeds, that's what we do.

I'm trying to memorize the Qur'an, subhan Allah, I feel good at how much I'm getting down. Finally, I'm glad I'm spending more time with it. I miss those days, I feel like I'm going back to how I was, if not better, AL-HAMDU LILLAH. I just really need Allah, because there is no one else.. there really is no one else that can help me.

I'm going to Disneyland tomorrow, I'm going to have a good time in sha' Allah. I'm going to go with my cousin and her brother, and my little brother too. Oh, these are the moments in life I love.

Life is not that hard, it's just there are moments here and there that really tests our will, and is very heavy on the heart... may Allah help us, each and every Muslim amongst us. Amin.

With Allah, that is where my comfort is.

My Happy Song

Big Girls Don't Cry

subhan Allah, today at work there was a child who came in crying. I asked her, "what is making you so sad?" This question prompted more tears, and the little girl explained that her sister had hurt her feelings. I then told her, "I know you feel hurt right now, but you're a big girl, and big girls are strong, and they don't cry." I saw her getting stronger. I then repeated, "big girls don't cry, and you're a big girl right?" She nodded. I then smiled at her, held up my hand, and told her, "give me a high five for being a strong big girl!" She then gave me a five with a huge smile on her face.

I'm a big girl, so I need to learn how not to cry as well. subhan Allah.

I'm Not Going to Think About...

I'm not going to think about the way he used to call me when I got off of work.

I'm not going to think about listening to him read his books to me.

I'm not going to think about how I used to get stressed out and he'd tell me how to breathe.

I'm not going to think about how he'd wait for the bus.

I'm not going to think about how he'd teach me how to do things with graphics.

I'm not going to think about staying up late working on the magazine.

I'm not going to think about his smile.

I'm not going to think about the big tomatoe he put on my plate.

I'm not going to think about how much fun bowling was.

I'm not going to think about the big tip he left the waiter at IHOP.

I'm not going to think about how much I couldn't wait to talk to him.

I'm not going to think about how he loved to eat ice cream.

I'm not going to think about how we would doodle on yahoo.

I'm not going to think about how we used to talk through our journals.

I'm not going to think about his amazing writing ability.

I'm not going to think about how his beard was trimmed and his hair was parted.

I'm not going to think about how he bought me a rug in my favorite color to pray on.

I'm not going to think about how much at peace I was to hear his voice on the phone before sleeping.

I'm not going to think about how he would look up questions I had about Islam right away for me.

I'm not going to think about the funny movie clips online he'd show me.

And all the "crazy" songs.

I'm not going to think about the way he said my name.

I'm not going to think about the kindness in his words.

I'm not going to think about him. ... I'm not going to think about him... I'm not going to think about him... I'm not going to think about him... I'm not going to think about him... I'm not going to think about him.

Writing this helped me out, al-hamdu lillah.